The Midnight News 07.01.04
Posted by Hyatte on 07.01.2004
Billy Gunn, TNA, General Bitchery, Hyatte vs the Maestro, Widro, Flea, Reading Material, Quotes, and A Horny Dude
I’m Chris and this is the Mop-Up Omega. Here we go.
AN INSIDE JOKE; A SECRET MESSAGE
Bare with me… this’ll only take a second…
The owl flies lonely into the night, she hunts for mice to feed her babies. You ain’t no owl.
I like these; they’re fun
TEN YEARS OF VINCE WOULD DRIVE ANYONE TO INBREEDING
Wade Keller is crowing about this inside scoop, so I thought I’d steal it, because fuck him. (actually, I’m sure he’s a nice guy and waaay less obnoxious than Meltzer).
It seems that Billy Gunn and Bob Holly are both QUITE unhappy with the push they aren’t getting in the company… I guess their theory is that since they’ve been around almost as long as the Undertaker, they should get an Undertaker-like push.
Wade FURTHER suggests that both Gunn and Holly, while doing the jobs to Suzuki and Mordecai (respectively), neither man went out of his way to make those kids look very good.
But Keller ALSO said that Billy Gunn was spotted backstage at the TNA Impact tapings last week to visit old friends (Road Dogg) and have a discreet look around… “perhaps he’s thinking of JUMPING SHIP?” Insinuated Wade!
Now here’s the interesting part… Keller said that such a thought, a legit WWE star would actually VOLUNTARILY jump to TNA (without Vince tossing them out for being creeps) may NOT be so outlandish an act.
For you see, AFTER expenses, when it’s ALL said and done, A WWE Midcarder MAKES ROUGHLY THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY A TOP LEVEL TNA STAR MAKES!!!
And of course, with the exception of D-Lo Brown… there isn’t a WWE midcarder out there who wouldn’t be programmed into a 3 year long TOP SHELF MAIN EVENT feud with Jeff Jarrett (or AJ Styles) the moment he signs the line and shakes Bob Ryder’s hand.
Interesting… of course, they would have to EARN that top level salary by selling a Jarrett guitar shot without yelling, “You’re STILL doing these fucking lame-ass guitar spots??”… and they also have to keep assuring 90 year old Dutch Mantel that his storylines are relevant AND topical AND current minded…
Think I’m kidding? Okay, YOU try it then.
By the way… if Gunn DOES sign with TNA… what will they call him and Road Dogg, since they’ll OBVIOUSLY be re-united? The Newly-Aged Non-Law Abiders?
Speaking of griping about TNA, and now that I’ve gotten my one BIG (and only) news story out of the way…
IN-DEPTH SMACKDOWN AND TNA REPORT
Smackdown was what it always is… take that for whatever you wish. You gotta love it when they run the old “Heel-champ-wants-to-give-a-title-shot-to-someone-so-he picks-a-DUDLEY-… -and-then-after-a-tease-it-turns-out-to-be-SPIKE” angle… that NEVER fails to be seen coming from ten miles away.
But TNA… well…
I decided that I do not like TNA… for a variety of reasons… many of which are echoed fromn past web writers yammering on about… whatever they yammer on about.
But I don’t like TNA… and unless they make some HUGE changes that last beyond a week, I don’t think I ever will.
Ohh, let me count the ways… I don’t like TNA because…
… Vince Russo. Is he a heel or a face? Do they even know? Why is he fighting with Jeff Jarrett? He goes weeks without turning up then suddenly, he there and involved in a deep story. Shouldn’t he just go away now? He had his time, it’s over. They are still drawing off his heat from 4 years ago.
… Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett isn’t using TNA to give the fans some wrestling, he is using TNA to show Vince McMahon that he deserved a main event slot in the WWF. The whole show is aimed right at McMahon and Jarrett is front and center and practically screaming, “SEE!! I TOLD YOU I WAS A STAR!!”
…Jerry Jarrett. Jeff’s old man is convinced that there IS a mass market for Memphis championship wrestling… which is ALL THAT TNA IS… only Jeff Jarrett is not only being Jeff Jarrett, but he’s also filling in for Jerry Lawler.
…Erik Watts. DOES NOT BELONG ANYWHERE NEAR A WRESTLING RING… NOT EVEN ASSEMBLING IT PRE-SHOW!!! He proved that a decade ago and hasn’t shown one IOTA of improvement since. Jesus, Missy Hyatt even says he’s a lousy lay.
…The X-Division. When will someone explain to them that sometimes, you have to act like that insane hurracarana table bump actually HURT FOR LONGER THAN 10 SECONDS!!
…Dutch Mantel. Head writer. Is probably real good at pacing a match… but he can NOT write a storyline that appeals to a modern audience. At some point, a writer has to look in the mirror and say, “Well, I’m out of touch.” Ol’ Hairy Back Mantel can probably have a nice, comfy life booking a small territory… but he is simply not open minded enough to handle a national audience.
…Goldylocks. I want to fuck her badly, but for the last… I dunno, YEAR? She has been given practically NOTHING to do other than some time filling afterthought work. Time to send her away. She’s SO quick-minded too… what a STARTLING example of how rasslin is still a “Good Ol’ Boy” industry.
… Glen Gilberti. Why is he there?
…James Storm. Apparently, a huge star… allegedly.
…Ron Killings. Look, I’m a white guy. White guys get very uncomfortable when pissed off black guys start yelling. Nuff said.
…Konan. No one was a fan of Nitro because of him. He is NOT a major star.
…Don West. When I want to buy fucking cattle at a fucking auction, then I’ll pay attention to West’s hyperbole.
...Ideas left hanging out to dry. One week from the next, no one has any clue who the heels are and who the faces are. One week from the next no one is sure what storylines have been continued and which ones were abandoned. This is a fuckin’ MESS of a show!
…These clowns… these MORONS ACTUALLY THINK THEY ARE A THREAT TO THE WWE!! This past week, they mocked the WWE by screaming, “DO THE RIGHT THING!” 9 million times… they seem to openly and PROUDLY plunder the WWE’s storylines and openly use them for themselves. It makes me wonder how RAW’s ratings could possibly be down… not a single member of the TNA crew ever misses an episode!
… Their girls are pigs.
…They charge money for this horseshit.
…I still haven’t forgiven them for strong-arming the Ring of Honor company
…Blah
Just a few reasons why I really do not like this company.
AN ATTACK FROM THE MCMAC
Vince didn’t make it this week. He’s sick. I forgive him.
No one else from the WWE sent anything either. Hey, it happens.
HOWEVER… I do have SOMETHING for ya!
On Tuesday, I found myself in an AOL chatroom with the fake Trish Stratus imposter (who’s actually a cool girl), a bunch of other people…
And the Stro.
Who’s the Stro? Well, he’s the former MAESTRO from WCW.
Anyway, I gently teased him at first, figuring that as a Professional Wrestler, he could handle it.
Problem was, the girl who pretends to be Trish Stratus was in the room… so he had to be cool and really lay into me.
Problem was… he’s messing with me.
I PUNKED his ass.
Here’s the chat. Filled with typos and people trying to horn in on the fight. Look carefully and you can see the exact moment I decided to take off the gloves and start really going to town.
It was fun… it had been a while since I really tore into someone. And I chased that boy OUT of the chat… then he came back and I CHASED HIM OUT AGAIN!!
Now, be a good little Stro and think about exactly who you are jacking with before you attempt to impress a wannabe Trish Stratus…
Bitch.
The sad thing is, Smackdown was filmed in his home state that night, he COULD have gone there and worked a dark match, maybe impress someone… but NOOOO, he had to work a chat room and try to out-razz the KING of this.
Read the chat… it’s a HOOT.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*When is it time to re-paint the Golden Gate Bridge? As soon as they finish re-painting it. Male buttsex and repainting the Bridge, two things that NEVER stop in San Fransciso*
And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
WORDS OF WI(S)DRO(M)
Uh oh… one of you little bastard writers have REALLY pissed off Widro this time…
Widro: I wish (NAME DELETED) would get off his ass and contribute to this website instead of sitting back and doing nothing
Which one? Which one of you lazy, ungrateful humps is THISCLOSE to looking for work at THE LORDS OF PAIN???
The hammer is coming, people… watch your asses… no one is safe (‘cept me and Scooter Keith)
IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES… IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES
Ah March of ’02… such innocent times… America was learning to hate each other again after the post 9-11 love-fest… President George Bush was looked at as a leader! And a young Flea was busy trying to convince Hyatte to go back to doing the Midnight News (I was doing PPV Mop-Ups at the time) “Ah need your rub, Hi-Rate! No one reads me without you telin’ them to! Hyuck!”
It was also the month (March 25th, to be exact) that the WWE changed… permanently. It was the month they decided to pull the trigger and completely split into two distinct brands… Smackdown and Raw.
So, I thought it would be fun if we looked at the initial ten picks made by Vince McMahon (“Smackdown Owner”) and Ric Flair (“Raw owner”) and see where they stood two years ago compared to now!
Oh, and even though you probably don’t need to be reminded… the current “Unified” champ, Triple H, was exempt from the draw because he, as champ, would work both brands (but would eventually become Smackdown exclusive after losing the title… ) and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin was reaching the end of his first legit “This sucks” walk-out and was also exempt before he would became Raw-exclusive a week later.
SMACKDOWN:
1: The Rock- Went to make movies, now seems to be all Raw
2: Kurt Angle- Never left
3: Chris Benoit- was out with an injury. Came back to Raw, jumped to Smackdown, jumped BACK to Raw, became world champ.
4: Hulk Hogan- Became world champ and switched between brands briefly. Never left Smackdown after dropping the belt.
5: Billy & Chuck- Billy Gunn never left. Chuck Palumbo was quietly trade to Raw but has yet to show up on-air.
6: Edge- stayed on Smackdown for a while, got inured, was “drafted” to Raw. Still there.
7: Rikishi- Never left Smackdown. Now rumors have him finished unless he loses weight.
8: D-Von Dudley- Jumped to Raw to re-unite with Buh Buh. Were traded back to Smackdown.
9: Mark Henry- Jumped to Raw
10: Maven- Jumped to Raw
RAW:
1: The Undertaker- Jumped to Smackdown
2: The NWO- Hall was fired, Waltman was fired, Nash got injured a lot and was laughed out of contract renewal negotiations.
3: Kane- Never left
4: Rob Van Dam- Traded to Smackdown
5: Booker T- Same
6: The Big Show- Same, although much earlier than RVD and Booker
7: Bubba Ray Dudley- Was traded to Smackdown after given adecent singles push that never went anywhere.
8: Brock Lesnar- Became unified champion, but was lured to Smackdown exclusively by GM Stephanie McMahon. Stayed at Smackdown until he quit the business. Hates fags.
9: William Regal- Never left.
10: Lita- Never left.
Of course, another 15 wrestlers were announced as draft picks after the initial ten… but I don’t have the hard facts handy and don’t feel like slogging through a billion pop-ups to find them.
Now that you have these facts handy, there is NO GIRL who will not be DAZZLED by your knowledge! Go GET HER, TIGER!!
THE 411 BOOK-OF-THE-TWO-WEEK-CLUB
Flea: Only three writers in the world have ever meant anything, Be-L8
Hyatte: Oh yeah, which ones?
Flea: Stephen King, George Orwell…
Hyatte: And?
Flea: (takes a long, drawn-out, desperate pull from his bong – followed by a nice, generous sip from his glass) and… whoever.
Hyatte: Whoever?
Flea: Yep
Hyatte: Who the fuck is whoever?
Flea: When you know, then you’ll know
********************
This week, it’s a first for this segment.
It’s a REPEAT PERFORMANCE.
Can you believe I’ve been doing this Book club thing for over a year already? 14 months to be exact… and up until now I haven’t featured the same writer twice.
Well, unless you count my three part John Grisham special… but that was an intended trilogy.
Anyway, my favorite sports writer is the first and only man to get the entire last page of Sports Illustrated to himself. That, of course, is Rick Reilly. Now, on June 16th of last year I featured Reilly’s Missing Links as my book selection. The book was a hilarious story about a bunch of golfing buddies who decide to bet on who could play 18 holes of golf on the ritzy Country Club next door to their municipal course first. Highly recommended reading. THIS Reilly book is ALSO funny, it’s ALSO about Golf, but this one has the distinction of being NON-fiction. This book and the things Reilly writes in it, really happened.
The official title of this recently released paperback is Who’sYour Caddy?: Looping for the GREAT, the NEAR GREAT, and the REPROBATES of Golf, but everyone just calls it Who’s Your Caddy?. Reilly’s premise is that he offered to caddy one round of golf to a multitude of famous (well, mostly) people. He caddies and writes about a wide variety of people, from professional golfers (David Duval, John Daly, Jack Nicholas), to celebrities (Bob Newhart), to… eccentrics (a professional gambling nut, a blind golfer, Deepak Chopra). Reilly’s goal was to offer a profile on these characters by watching how they approach the game. He suggests that golf shows off people at their best and their worst at the same time without barriers.
The book reads like a series of Reilly articles. All of Reilly’s own writing quirks are there: his famous similes, his analogies, his mild self-effacement. His habit of pausing for reaction. But his love for the game of golf shines through loud too, as does his enjoyment of caddying for these people. Reilly finds something to like about everyone, even the one character in the book that Reilly clearly tries his best not to like. (More on that in a second).
The book also features end of chapter segments called “Caddyspeak” where Reilly quotes something from the the Caddy vernacular and then translates it to English. Rather boring stuff, to be honest.
One other slight problem with the book is that, unlike the favor he did for the non-golfer in Missing Links where he spent a few pages explaining the language of Golf, in Who’s Your Caddy?, he doesn’t define any slang. He and his editors assume that golf nuts are the book’s biggest draw. More of Reilly’s humbleness, maybe?
So, the excerpt I’ve selected is from the chapter where Reilly deals with the one character he tries really hard not to like, but ends up enjoying anyway. It’s someone who isn’t a GOLFER per say, but IS famous and IS a definite eccentric. It’s Donald Trump, and boy, does Trump hand Reilly one HELL of a chapter. Enjoy:
(one note: Reilly structures his chapters to have chapters within chapters. It’s like how some writers double-space their paragraphs when they move onto a new string on the same subject. Rather than quadruple space my paragraphs to frame it has Reilly has ((411’s posting format doesn’t interpret single spaced indented paragraphs, which is why we never indent here on the site and instead double space our paragraph blocks)), I did what Reilly did and bolded out the first couple of words in each new paragraph)
In the limo, there are three phones. Trump admits he needs three, “so I can be going fucking crazy on them.”
And after a while you see exactly how crazy is achieved. You mention another writer you both know. Suddenly he’s got Norma trying to get hold of him. Then he remembers that you have just written a controversial piece about Sammy Sosa, the balloon-biceped Chicago Cub. He’s reaching for the other phone and yelling, “Norma, get Sammy Sosa on the phone, quick!”
Thankfully, neither can be found. You make a mental note not to bring up, say, Jeffery Dahmer.
Our limo driver is named Tony. He’s dark-sunglasses, bent-nose mook with a big moustache that covers a mouth of very few words. He’s built like a small Wal-Mart and his arms look like they could bend a Yugo in half.
As we approach the baroque gate of Trump National, a man in a guardhouse comes out. Tony rolls the window down, jerks his head ever so slightly towards us, and grunts, “Da Boss.”
Problem is, Trump wants you to play instead of caddy. He seems to want this more than anything else in the world. He’s already got his caddy, Billy, ready to go – “Best caddy in the world!” he declares – and since the EuroBabe and Tiffany don’t even play, Trump would have to play by himself and he just won’t have that under any circumstances. You don’t get the feeling Trump is a guy who requires a lot of personal quiet time.
“But, see, the book isn’t about playing, it’s about caddying for—“
“Did I tell you Bruce Willis is a member here? And Sylvester Stallone. And Rudy Guiliani. And…”
So that settles that.
“Any chance maybe you’d have a game tomorrow I could caddy for?” I ask.
Trump stops and looks me square in the eye.
“Believe me,” Trump says. “One day of me is enough.”
Lord, the money Trump put into this golf course. He bought an old Jewish country club, Briar Hall, and tore every hole out. Every single hole. He moved three million yards of earth, “the largest earthmoving project in the history of Westchester County,” Trump brags.
Now, really, how are you going to check that?
Or this: “Look at those suspension bridges. No column supports! Those are $400’000 each!”
Or this: “Look at these bunkers! We take all the sand out and pad them! That padding will last 100 years!”
Not unlike his hair.
This story is absolutely true, though: When architect Jim Fazio, slightly less famous brother of architect Tom Fazio, was finished looking at the property and drawing up plans, he called Trump and said, “We can have 16 great holes.”
“Whaddya mean 16?” Trump says.
Fazio explained that there wasn’t enough land for the first two holes he wanted to build.
“Why not?” Trump bellowed.
“Because people’s houses are there,” Fazio said.
Trump told Fazio to hold, picked up the phone, called somebody, and bought the houses.
Fazio got his holes.
You think Fazio doesn’t know how to play his Trump?
Building your own course must be more fun than being locked in a room with the Rockettes and a box of Lady Gillettes. For instance, Trump insisted the range be built between the 9th green and the 10th tee. See, when he’s playing badly, he likes to go the range and figure out what’s wrong. It’s quite illegal, but what are you gonna do? He’s Da Boss.
Trump says he spent “$40 million on this baby” and guarantees it will host majors. “It’s only a matter of time.”
If you want to join, win Lotto. It’s $300’000 up front (Trump International is now $350’000), plus $9’000 dues a year. “But this’ll be $500’000 before long,” says Trump. “I only want 300 and we’ve got 250 already.”
Has he mentioned the celebs who’ve joined?
Trump really does love golf. When asked to list the top 10 things that helped him climb his way back from $9.2 billion in debt in the 1990s – the largest financial comeback in history, according to the Guinness Book of World Records--Trump’s NO.1 was: “Play golf.”
“It helped me relax and concentrate,” he once wrote. “It took my mind off my troubles.”
Trump very much likes attention. For himself, yes, but also for his hotels, his apartments, his office buildings (he owns the GM building now), and his golf courses. He understands the value of free publicity. He craves it, lives for it, screams for it.
To show the world Trump National—whichGolf Digest architecture writer Ron Whitten called, “the finest new course I’ve seen since Muirfield Village”—Trump let the LPGA host the ADT Championship there in November 2001. This is the tour wrapup for the top 30 women, with a $1 million purse.
And, boy, did Trump put out the dog for them. And, boy, did the players put out the snarls for Trump.
“It was awful,” says LPGA player Nancy Scranton. “It was tricked up. It was contrived, ridiculous, and stupid. He kept going around, pestering everybody: ‘Is this the toughest course you’ve ever played? Is it? Is it?’ But, I have to admit, Mar-A-Lago was beautiful and Donald was a wonderful host.”
Trump decreed that some of the mounds in front of lakes be mowed down to the height of cue balls so that short shots would all roll right back into the water. Trump was like a little boy melting ants with a magnifying glass. “I kept going around asking them, ‘When was the last time you scored this high?’ And they kept saying, ‘When I was nine.’”
During the first round, Trump walked right down the middle of the fairway with the players, who would sooner be followed by wolf-whistling construction workers than Trump. “You’d think he’d have better things to do,” grumbled Annika Sorenstam, the tour’s best player.
When Sorenstam tripled the first hole, Trump said, “Oops, looks like she just threw up on herself. You know, we could make this course more difficult if we wanted.”
Then there was the whole prison incident. According to written reports, inmates at the Palm Beach County Criminal Justice Complex, which is close to Trump International’s third hole, got word that women pros were just across the way. So they started screaming things that might make hockey players blush, much less LPGA players.
“That never happened!” Trump yells. “Never happened! That was put out by my enemies. The wall of the prison that faces the course doesn’t even have windows!” Still, he put up a huge row of palm trees to serve as a barrier. Cost him $1 million, which is a lot for something that never happened.
You’ve got enemies?
“Many, many, many,” he says. “Too many to name.”
Well, what about the dead swan, Trump?
“True” he says, shaking his head morosely. “All true.”
Pause
“See, the famous real estate guy, Ed Gordon, gave me four black swans (for the ponds at Trump International). Best swans in the world! And I’ve got a bunch of white ones to go with them. Well, the one swan lost its mate to an alligator. So, after that, the swan gets more aggressive. He even scared one of our caddies, a 6-5 guy, scared him backward into a bunker. So some guy, a guest of the No. 1 plastic surgeon in Palm Beach, is out on the course and is having a terrible day. And this black swan comes at him like it’s go9ing to attack him and this guy starts swinging at him with his iron and whacks it dead. The poor guy, it was the only thing he hit well all day.
“Ok, so one of these very rich, fancy women comes along next and sees a black swan there dead and bleeding and she freaks out. I mean, it was a real mess. And because it has something to do with me, it becomes this international incident. This poor guy gets arrested and gets six months’ probation and has to pay this big fine. And of course, I had to sanction the doctor. I’m telling you, it’s terrible. But, actually, I probably sold 20 memberships from it. I guess people found out I had a course.”
See? Things tend to work out!
Just a word on Trump’s hair.
There are those who do not like Trump’s hair. My softball buddy, B-Square, asks, “The guy is worth billions, so all I can figure is that he must want to look like that!”
And I admit, when I asked Trump to let me caddy for him, I was thinking maybe we would need a separate caddy for the hair.
Up close, though, it is much less threatening and possibly real. It resembles red cotton candy. It seems to have been spun off a wheel and then fired. Maybe it’s fiberglass. Remember making model cars when you were a kid, how the glue froze in cool, solid wisps? That is Trump’s hair. I cannot imagine the teams of artists it must take to do his hair each day, but I know they must arrive by the busload. Somehow they’ve managed to make his hair look like the moment you open a bottle of aspirin and you can’t quite get the cotton ball out and it only comes partially out, all teased. That’s Trump’s hair.
Trump plays golf fast. And well. We’re on 11 and he still hasn’t missed a fairway. Ok, there’s been a stray mulligan or two, but mostly he hits it low and far and straight. On 3, he drove it 310 yards, I kid you not. Three hundred and 10. Man is 56 years old. Doesn’t matter how much hellajack you’ve got, you can’t buy a golf game.
He owns the joint so he parks the cart all the places he wants the rest of the world not to—edges of green and backs of tee boxes. This makes for a very fast round. We will end up going 18 in three hours and 15 minutes and that includes stopping often to harangue the stonemason, the path paver, and the greenskeeper to redo the bricks, or retrim a tree, or repave a path that is not absolutely, immaculately Trumpalicious.
Right now it’s some unfinished brickwork along a cart path that Trump declares is not a graceful enough arc. He’s got the course superintendent over, and the stonemason and the general manger. And he’s hot.
“Am I fuckin’ nuts here with these bricks or what?” he yells.
If you can’t rant and rave at the office, why not do it on the golf course?
Yet, when we come back two hours later, the bricks have been all ripped out and the stonemason is starting over. Even Trump is amazed at his power. “I nod and it’s done!” he says.
Trump drives people crazy that way. His magnificent par-3 waterfall 13th hole was perfect, until Trump decided he wanted the green 10 feet lower, They dug it up and started over.
As Fazio said once: “Nobody tells Donald Trump what to do. You make suggestions and he improves on it.”
Of course, when he seen work that is Trumpalicious, he is practically moist. Just now he saw five workers doing a job he liked on a cart path.
“Beautiful!” he said.
So now we gotta go over and tell them
They’re all from Chile and don’t speak a syllable of English. He whips out three $100 dollar bills and gives it to them. They smile melon slices, shocked at their good fortune. Trump climbs back in the cart, pleased mightily.
“Now these guys are the Donald Trumps of Chile!” he announces.
Now, Trump is who he is and damn proud of it… but other profiles in the book are rather fascinating, like Bob Newhart’s shyness, Deepak Chokra’s humility, Jack Nicholas’s mild bitterness (not to mention Reilly’s description of Nicholas’s golf course designing company), John Daly’s addictions, and the way a blind man loves the game just as much, and perhaps more, than the sighted. All interesting, not a boring chapter in the bunch. A quick read.
Who’s Your Caddy? by Rick Reilly. You won’t need to know the game of golf to enjoy it, but it helps.
Oh, and if you never heard of Reilly before, You can read the Rick Reilly SI archives (to a point), right here. The website cut the archives off some time last year and offered Reilly back columns to SI SUBSCRIBERS ONLY, so if YOU subscribe to SI, and have access to Reilly’s current archives, how about sending your log-in/password to your old buddy Hyatte? Haven’t I done enough to EARN it?
I am Hyatte and by the bloody Christ, I WILL MAKE YOU READ
Speaking of Donald Trump…
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
YOU CAN STOP SCROLLING NOW, WE’VE GOT FLEA!!!
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…
…Donald Trump?
Fuck him. He’s all celebrity and all bullshit. The truth on Trump is that he doesn’t have shit. For all his talk, if you turned him upside down and shook him, the most that would fall out of his pockets is about $200 grand. He’s a billionaire ON PAPER because he uses OTHER PEOPLE’S MONEY! He’s no genius. He got started on his family’s money! He lost it all when he thought he was as smart as the common people think he is. He didn’t rebuild his empire, he was just a mouthpiece that took other people’s money and spent it for them. He lost everything on a CASINO. How the FUCK can you lose money on a casino? He’s more lucky than good. Fuck him. You wanna know who’s rich? Bill Gates. Gates can kidnap Trump’s girlfriend, cut off her head, mail it to Trump on the day he’s supposed to marry her, and then pay Trump to smile when he opens the box. THAT’S rich. Donald Trump ain’t SHIT. Donald Trump… ah fangol! Piss on him.
Flea… a man whom I have heard go from jubilant coherence to half-dead mumbling within hours… SEVERAL times.
LADIES DUDES LOVE COOL HY
I was minding my own bizness one day when suddenly, some dude IM’ed me (AOL Instant Messenger) and tried to HIT ON ME!!!
Note, as always, I check the profile before answering. This guy’s profile was all about Randy Orton, so I ran with it
Johnny Landin Yo: sup
Hyatte1com: RANDY!!!
Johnny Landin Yo: **Evolution music plays**
Johnny Landin Yo: Shh don't tell anyone, I'm a big Johnny Landin fan.
Hyatte1com: what’s johnny landing on?
Johnny Landin Yo: What?!?! lol
Johnny Landin Yo: It's my name
Johnny Landin Yo: Johnny Landin
Johnny Landin Yo: Johnny Elvis Landin to be exact 8-)
Hyatte1com: ahh
Hyatte1com: and you are?
Johnny Landin Yo: I'm the Man
Johnny Landin Yo: thats what I am
Hyatte1com: many people would disagree
Johnny Landin Yo: And why is that
Hyatte1com: many people think that THEY are the REAL man
Johnny Landin Yo:...But many people don't bust their asses day in, day out, like I do
Johnny Landin Yo: No single man can endure what i do in the gym, and still manage to be able to have a legion of Johnnynites AND a dope website
Johnny Landin Yo: and wait arent you a female?
Hyatte1com: of course not, stud
Johnny Landin Yo: Later
And he bailed…
Ha… loser.
A LIVE MIC = DANGER
As always, keep these coming… Hyatte can’t do these alone… nor can Hyatte and Justin Parr, who is probably responsible for most of these.
Short and sweet, a nice grab bag of mostly one liner and funny exchanges. Some old school, some fairly recent. Something for EVERYONE!!
01): Kids use your brains, don’t try this in your backyard!
Yeah try it in your living room, its more fun!- Schiavone and Heenan during a hardcore match: Nitro
02): Damn you people I should be at home tuning in to TBS watching Movies for Guys who like Movies!- Cactus Jack: ECW TV
03): Where's Savage at? Is Elizabeth giving favors to Jack Tunney again? Or is she giving it to the janitor?- Bad News Brown: WWF TV ‘89.
04): Let ask you something. You mind saying that little thing you say about yesterday, today, and tomorrow or however it goes. Just say it one time while I’m standing in front of you.
You mean That I’m the Best there is, best there was, and best there ever will be?
Oh well let me tell you something. You may be some big time columnist and a big deal in Canada. But we're in Atlanta, GA and I’m the best example of what a real man should be like. And hey, you're going to have to get in the ring with me ‘cause 10 years ago I could come out here with just a broom stick but today I need a pulse and a heart beat, WOOOO
I guess to be the man I will have to beat the man, but I think I’ve already done that once
Well, your going have to do it again and hope you don’t get hurt along the way, Daddy. WOOOOOOOO!- Ric Flair and Bret Hart: Nitro ‘98
05): Can you picture Sherri and Lady Di going shopping?
No
Can you imagine Sherri and Prince Charles at 2 in the morning doing… well, nevermind
Yeah. Actually I can imagine seeing that!
Well if you do see it call me ‘cause I want to see it too -Heenan and Schiavone: Slamboree ‘94
06): Now I would like to go over the rules of the match: Eye Gauging is perfectly legal. The use of chairs, tables, and other furniture is quite acceptable. Kicks to the groin would be greatly appreciated.- Vince McMahon to Foley and Austin before their match: Raw 99
07): Mark Henry is easily handling the big Johnson with those gigantic arms!- Jim Ross during a Mark Henry- Ahmed Johnson match: Raw
08): So you buried your baloney in the Undertaker's mother?- Lawler
Yep, she was moaning and groaning. Then I heard a sound and I got up. Good thing I did cause it was little Undertaker. If he had come in he would have seen his mom there on the floor, her legs up in the air. One was New York and one was in L.A.- Paul Bearer: Raw ‘98
09): What are you gonna tell me, Schiavone?! You can shoot someone outside the ring but it’s OK as long as it’s outside the ring?! You know…YOU’RE EVEN DUMBER THAN MONSOON!!! I THOUGHT GORILLA WAS THE STUPIDEST GUY ALIVE!!!- Jesse Ventura
10): Alright ladies and gentlemen, the Macho King...I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot more of him in the weeks to come!-Mean Gene, after Randy Savage has just lost his career-ending match with the Warrior: WWF TV – early 90’s
11): The Mountie has been living in a dream world....and it's all wet- Roddy Piper
12): Godfather, your 'legitimate escort service' is about as legitimate as a three-legged donkey -- which, as we all know, is not legitimate, because donkeys have four legs-Lance Storm
13): Last night this girl came knocking on my door at midnight. Finally, I let her out.- Gene Okerlund: WWF All-American Wrestling, 1989
14): He's not particularly ball-hairy.- Stephanie McMahon on HHH, when asked if he shaves his ball hair: the Howard Stern Show, 2002
15): As President, I will institute a procedure in which all convicted criminals will have this brass ring will be surgically implanted into their foreheads--Americans have a right to know who they can trust. I don't care if you're 5, 6, or 7 years old, if you're a first-time offender, you're gonna go to Purgatory and it's not gonna be fun!- Bob Backlund
Heh.... Backlund.
Funny thing about Bob Backlund is that he RESISTED the idea of a Heel turn so much that he actually left the WWF rather than turn! But when he came back, he agreed to turn and DAMN, was he an AWESOME heel!!
“LOOK IT UP!!!!”
I loved it when he stared at his hands in amazement… I often do the same after I bang out another brilliant column!!
Haven’t done that in a while… sad to say.
Anyway… we just about done YET? Naaah, we got us one last thing…
WHOOPS… we ARE done! I’m fresh out of junk to shove in here.
If anyone’s near a computer on July 5th, please note that I’ll be here… and I’ll bring all sorts of stuff with me… some of it might actually be FUNNY! Some… maybe… doubtful but possibly.
And with that…
This is Hyatte